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World Suicide Prevention Day: You can change your normal

One of the best ways of preventing suicides may be by talking about just how many people have suicidal thoughts. The older I get, the more people I encounter who have struggled with suicidal ideation at one point or another. Some are in their youth and can’t see a life path for themselves, some are mid-life people grappling with too many responsibilities, others are nearing or in old age and are just fed up with life. It’s incredibly common.

So full disclosure: I’ve been one of those people at various times in my life.

When I was young, I constantly battled with suicidal tendencies and came close to ending things on a few occasions. I more or less lived in a constant state of depression and thought that there was just something chemically wrong with me. It often seemed like suicide was an easier choice than simply existing.

Things really reached their crisis point around the time I started university. I availed myself of the free counselling at the University of Western Ontario and it genuinely saved my life. The counsellor helped me to understand I wasn’t chemically imbalanced but that there were things going on in my environment that had contributed to my mindset. She helped me learn different ways of thinking and how to escape negative mental cycles. I’ll be forever grateful for that intervention.

A significant reason I persisted was because of family. I couldn’t abandon people I was responsible for, whose lives I might irrevocably damage through such an act. Of course, responsibility leads to its own stresses. Enough stresses without an outlet or relief and eventually it will all catch up to you.

That’s where the other reason comes in: my dream of becoming a writer. I didn’t want to leave this world until I had realized my dreams of publishing a few stories and maybe even a book one day. And now here I am. Thanks to all of you who have supported me in my writing career over the years. I am still here in large part to you.

I’ve gone to counselling often throughout my life, and I’ve almost always found it helpful to learn tools to cope with suicidal thoughts and other mental challenges. Hello, anxiety! The basic lesson has been more or less the same with each one: You can change your normal. The tools have varied — stoicism, mindfulness, gratitude, meditation, exercise, friendships — but they have always been about changing my mental state from a negative one to a perspective that sees the good in the world and in my life.

I still have suicidal thoughts from time to time even now, but they are very minor and increasingly rare. They’re more of a reflex left over from my youth than a serious consideration. And I have the tools to deal with them now, and the gratitude for all the good things that have happened in my life. So now my suicidal impulses tend to go something along these lines: “This situation is terrible and I can’t bear it. I should just… nah, this will pass as it always does. Those hard moments have made me what I am today and I’ve always been grateful for them afterward. This will be the same. Now let’s work on getting through this to all the great moments that are going to come next!”

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, make sure you reach out for whatever help is available: counsellors, family, friends, help lines, colleagues, whatever.

Remember, you are loved. And you can change your normal.

Posted in Journal, Lifestream

Change your normal this year

Jan 9

Posted by Peter Darbyshire

It’s the start of a new year and there is no better time to change your normal. Unless your normal state is working well for you, in which case carry on! Here is a list of 10 things I have found helpful in changing my normal.

Choose a theme for the year. This can be anything — The Year of Fitness, The Year of Saying Yes, The Year of Saying No, The Year of Family. Whatever you choose will help give you a direction for that year and help inform your decisions, which in turn will help you change your normal. I’m opting for the Year of Creativity this year.
Whatever your goals are for the year, put a system in place that will help you achieve them. Goals are great but if you don’t know how you are going to achieve them then you probably won’t. Put a good system in place and the goals will take care of themselves. Hint: The more enjoyable you make the system, the greater the chance you’ll be able to stick to it.
Stop drinking. This was a life-changer for me, as I lost weight, became fitter, developed greater emotional stability and focus — and became more present in my life. I stopped drinking in 2019 and I’ve never regretted it.
Exercise more. I don’t mean you have to go to the gym and throw a car’s worth of weights around — although power to you if that’s your thing. Exercise can be as simple as walking to work instead of taking transit or going for a walk at lunch with colleagues or friends. I find that whenever I’m stressed, I go for a walk and my mood immediately improves.
Connect with family, friends and colleagues more. I’ve made a real effort to try to connect with people more, even if it’s just a lunchtime walk at work, and I’ve found the effects have been great for my mental health. I’ve rekindled old friendships and developed new ones, and all the social connection has simply made me feel better as a person. The stronger your social foundation, the stronger your foundation overall.
Practice gratitude. I try to practice gratitude every day, ideally first thing in the morning to set the tone for the day. I find that if I can begin the day with something to be grateful for it helps me to see the good in other things or events throughout the day rather than focus on the negative. It makes me happy, and happiness comes with all sorts of advantages. It’s important to remember that gratitude doesn’t just have to be about the big things in your life. Often I am grateful for spending time with a friend at lunch or a beautiful morning. And sometimes I even grateful for the hard moments in life, for helping me to become a stronger, better person.
Choose happiness. When we choose happiness, we are choosing to process the world in a certain way — to see the possibilities rather than the roadblocks. That gives us more opportunities and advantages — and more chances at greater happiness!
Practice compassion – including self-compassion. I’ve found I’m less likely to hold a grudge or get caught up in negative emotions if I can manage some compassion toward the person who is causing me problems. Most people don’t set out to make life difficult for other people, after all. Sometimes it just happens because of challenges they are facing outside of their control. Practicing compassion helps me keep my inner peace and hopefully prevents me from becoming the difficult person. More importantly, I’ve learned to practice self-compassion. I used to beat myself up for not being perfect, for not having a handle on my anxiety, etc., but now I remind myself that I am a human being subject to innumerable stresses and forces outside of my control. And when I practice self-compassion, I am more likely to rest and recharge or otherwise take the steps needed to look after myself, which means I am more healthy and resilient in the long run.
Focus on what you can control and accept what you cannot. Life will put plenty of challenges and obstacles in your path. They are neither good nor bad. They simply are. What they mean to you will depend on your own mindset, so develop one that serves your happiness rather than your anxieties.
Always remember that how you spend your time is who you actually are. When you waste time on mindless activities or something you don’t particularly care about, you are actually wasting your life. Every action you take is a vote for the sort of person you will become.